The sequential rearrangement corollary to the time dilation postulate of general relativity as regards the occurrence of untoward events. (originally written 05/2014)
We all know that while time and the duration of events is relative to the observer, time, the duration of events and the sequence of events is really relative to the observer. Especially when the observer is a government representative. Not only is the time it takes for events to transpire relative to the observer, but the observer can actually rearrange events transpiring in time—which occurs most frequently when those events are untoward, or, to put it in less scientific terms for those of you who haven’t picked up a copy of Scientific American since your high school physics project was due, when things don’t go as planned. This could open up a whole new area of physics research!
We all know that the best-laid plans of mice and men often come to naught, but what about the best laid plans of a government? It’s common knowledge that all governments now or that have ever been are essentially the same as those big, lazy, happy, benevolent leviathans gently paddling around the oceans of our universe known as wormholes. As with a wormhole, which allows for super-efficient space travel without any of the worrisome, bothersome, sciencey considerations like violating Einstein’s equations, governments also are super-efficient and free from bothersome scientific (or any other) constraints as they bravely go forth with their best effort to universally do what’s right and in your best interest! Unfortunately, however, sometimes even the finest policy decisions and the most brilliant theoretical intent put into play with only the utmost in honesty, integrity, and purity of heart can go awry. After all, no government could ever really be as cool as a wormhole. This can lead to untoward events which transpire when the perfection that normally defines government experiences an extraordinarily rare, momentary lapse if only for a fraction of a nanosecond. This is the time when the government depends on its top scientists to set things right by application of The sequential rearrangement corollary to the time dilation postulate of general relativity as regards the occurrence of untoward events.
Who knows what may have happened when those WMD’s were considered or thought really hard about? Or when the lady with the big hair appeared in and then disappeared from the oval office (the meaning of is theorem)? Or when that portion of the tapes regarding beings beaming into opposition headquarters was accidentally trapped in a cosmic black hole by an inadvertent foot kick of an unknowing secretary while she stood on the opposite side of the room applying hairspray? Who can know how or why these events took place or didn’t? Who can say? Not me, that’s for sure. I’ll leave that to my more brilliant colleagues, better versed in the rearrangement corollary.
Thanks to this corollary, things have become very clear and open. Just as we now know that the Soviet Union invading Afghanistan had nothing—not one thing—to do with any really minor problems that may have kind of come up since then; just as we have learned that the Shah of Iran very gracefully and generously abdicating in favor of the warm, kind, and universally-loved Ayatollah Khomeini taking his place had nothing to do with any hostages or bad things happening anywhere, ever; just as we know that Viet Nam has become a workers’ paradise since our troops, having accomplished their mission handily thanks to the full support of congress, the press, and the American people, willingly and happily turned over the reigns of government to our friends there and the whole region immediately stabilized; just as we have learned, nothing that ever happened in New York could ever have had anything to do with any men or others who never could possibly have come from the Middle East (people from the Middle East just don’t do that sort of thing); just as we recently have learned that spontaneous demonstrations do happen as the result of peace-loving friends of America in the happy, prosperous desert sands or friendly countries (even if they are really, really, really well-organized demonstrations); just as we’re learning that our friend and ally, the President-
for-Life of the Soviet Unio…oops, I mean Russia, means no harm to anyone and that he and everyone everywhere all over the globe deeply respect our tough, take-charge, take-no-prisoners American President who also is universally loved and respected by all Americans (and the whole world too) and we know, thanks to the universal honesty and unbiased integrity of our heroic heroes studying the science of journalism that absolutely everything bad that happens, from the largest quasar implosion to the tiniest subatomic particle smashing in an accelerator is the fault of one really, really, really bad scientific physical phenomenon (which scientists have been known to refer to as The Dubya Anomaly—even writing it makes me shudder), we know that the truth will out, as my mother’s Socialist Workers’ Party friends used to say. The whole thing makes me feel warm all over with a sense of comfort much akin to the feeling of the photons of the sun exciting the electrons of my skin molecules and their constituent atoms to new levels of energy. I can feel this subatomic warm fuzzy all the more as I write these carefully considered words. Can you feel it too? Good.
So, where does all of this leave us? Are we to sit about on our crisp, white-labcoat-clad gluteal clefts carefully considering what, indeed, the meaning of is is? NO! I say again, perhaps more emphatically if that’s possible for a humble man of science—NO! I feel certain in the depths of my heart, soul and ponderously advanced intellect that this situation demands all men of stout heart and sound, scientific mind to heed the following call to action!
CALLING ALL THEORETICAL PHYSICISTS!
The terrifying, tragic events in Benghazi, Libya set a precedent for an unusual physical phenomenon. This involved a previously rarely-witnessed event—a disruption in the space-time continuum–not seen since Star Trek: The Next Generation went off the air. Let me explain.
Anyone who watched action shows or made-for-TV movies in the 1970’s knows that all car chases involving bad guys invariably led to those ill-fated souls’ cars flying off a cliff. The car always exploded when it hit the ground. Oddly, however, on rare occasions, the car blew up in mid-air, prior to any impact whatsoever.
Thus, in my young mind, I formulated a theory that a car going over a cliff was a uniquely combustive event—so much so, in fact, that all a car really had to do was go over the cliff in order to doom its unlucky (but undoubtedly deserving) bad-guy inhabitants to a fiery death. Perhaps it was some sort of special air friction present only during free fall, I reasoned, and only involving a car full of bad guys being chased by good guys. Who knew? Whatever the issue, I always admonished my mother to drive slowly around bends where a guardrail was present. Just in case we went over and spontaneously combusted.
As I grew and became wiser, I realized the car blowing up prior to impact must have been a representation of the Einsteinian doctrine of time dilation—that the time intervals of witnessed events are relative to different observers. The bad guys’ time was clearly up. The unlikely timing of the explosion was only a manifestation of some esoteric phenomenon which led to the inevitable, unavoidable ending. The seemingly inexplicable sequence of it was simply a mysterious matter of physics—one beyond my limited ability to comprehend, much like the matter-antimatter reactor or the warp bubble of the Starship Enterprise, for instance. Something as obviously unrelated and trivial as bad timing on the part of a special effects technician simply didn’t provide an adequate, believable explanation. No, this was much more complex.
The other day I realized, much to my surprise, that there must be a real surplus of Einsteinian physicists in the Obama Administration and the U.S. Government. The latest information released happily, voluntarily, and without any angst of any kind whatsoever with regard to the Benghazi incident (which actually, scientists are learning through complex experimentation involving high-altitude gyroscopes and other equipment that no one anywhere really truly understands didn’t even really have anything to do with Benghazi after all) clearly shows for anyone and everyone everywhere that our brave, forthcoming leadership never, ever changed any wording of anything nor even knew of any changes ever and have been honest in every respect possible for non-scientific minds all along! Which makes me, for one, feel quite relieved. Lying? Our elected officials just don’t do that sort of thing! The idea that our beloved leaders would even consider changing a portrayal of events to make things look better (or at least not as bad) is impossible to imagine, ludicrous, and absurd all at the same time! Our President and all of his friends and comrades at all levels of government would resign before they would change a narrative for political advantage, especially with a free, fair, and cleanly fought election in the balance! So the demonstrators got a little out of hand and carried away—was it really that different from a block party in Detroit? Come on People—analyze for goodness’ sake! So the demonstrators actually killed people! They could have been just some guys out for a stroll who suddenly remembered the awful video and decided to express themselves—what difference does it make? Never mind the fact that the demonstrators were organized into tactical teams with automatic rifles, light machine guns, and mortars and were moving in tactical formation in bounding overwatch using military assault tactics; that doesn’t prove anything. They were probably just really, really, really well-organized demonstrators (did I say that before?)! So what that not knowing any of this means we can never possibly identify those responsible or how they organized or even learn enough to prevent this from happening again—like I said before, what difference does it make? The wholly honest and forthright response to all of this distant, cosmically unimportant hullaballoo akin to the recently-discovered vapor-containing planet approximately 63 light years away from earth by the President’s universally beloved, believed and respected Press Secretary clearly clears this up—the Bhengazi memo wasn’t about Bhengazi after all, and the demonstration wasn’t a demonstration…wait yes it was, wasn’t it? But we knew all of this all along, didn’t we? I guess? Sorry, even my scientific mind is getting a bit confused. The tactical, military assault that took place on the ground obviously had nothing to do with the whole thing. This must be some trivial epiphenomenon that was obviously only superficially related or possibly even unrelated to the actual event. Or perhaps it’s a subtle manifestation of the butterfly effect. Who can guess? After all, cars have been known to fly off cliffs and explode in midair for no apparent reason whatsoever. Right?
That the Obama administration received essentially real-time information and updates as to events on the ground demonstrating beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was an all-out tactical assault carried out by a highly-trained, heavily-armed paramilitary force but knew before they knew that the whole thing was really a spontaneous demonstration by spontaneous demonstrators whose identities have been narrowed down to Who Knows Who They Are, Were, or Might Have Been, all in response to an awful, awful video that none of the demonstrators had ever seen is an amazing, ground-breaking, and seminal event in theoretical physics! It’s even more amazing when considered in the light of recent revelations that the President and Secretary of State were nowhere to be found for the duration of the incident, which means they’re even more brilliant than anyone has previously supposed—they’re able to know things that they don’t even know! This clearly proves that not only time intervals of events but sequences of events—and even the events themselves–are relative to the observer, particularly as concerns observers in the U.S. government!
All of you theoretical physicists out there hoping for a Nobel Prize, take note! Prove mathematically that President Obama and his cronies—I mean staff—could have known the Benghazi attack—did I say ‘attack’?—was a spontaneous demonstration before they could possibly have known it was a spontaneous demonstration and you will have proven relativity and a disruption in the space-time continuum mathematically! You will have proven the existence of a time warp!
Do this, and you’re certain to get a Nobel Prize! Just like all those budding Einsteins in the Obama administration ought to.
Your Relatively Observant Observer,
C.L. Levy, MD